3 Things Wives Can Do to Support Their Husbands During Infertility
If this is the first article that you are reading on how infertility impacts marriages, this title might seem backwards - women supporting men ... shouldn't that be the other way around? Yes, it should ... but it should be the way this title suggests, too. For some quick insight on how infertility can impact the male partner in a marriage, check out this article on "How Infertility Impacts Married Men."
For women that are walking through infertility with their partners, the idea that their husbands need something, even if they don't know exactly what it is or how to give it, is probably not a shocker. In fact, for some women, it can become an additional source of stress that further complicates the experience of infertility.
Let’s forget about some woman somewhere and think about you and your partner … have you noticed any changes in him as you have worked through infertility? Do you wonder about how he is dealing with this process? Do you wish you had a better idea about how you can help him? The good news is: you can help! Here are three things that might be good starting places in your relationship.
1. Take Care of Yourself
For many men, being at a place where they feel okay to showcase their emotions about difficulty with having kids is often related to how their partner is doing. If it is hitting you hard at a moment where he is also feeling weak, your partner may be tempted to bottle his own disappointment or anger about infertility even more than usual.
One of the ways that you can help your partner is by prioritizing those things that help you to take care of yourself during those particularly rough patches in the fertility journey. Now, I am not saying to fake the funk – when you are not ok, you are not ok. I am also not saying that it is somehow wrong for both you and your partner to not be ok together – sometimes our shared strength as couples comes from those shared moments of weakness.
I am saying that for many men, including your partner, it may take some time for them to be ok with not being ok in your presence about this experience. When you lead the way in the relationship by tending to your own soul, you not only model the habits of a healthy heart, but, in a way, give permission for your partner to do the same – and, maybe, get to the place where you both can be strong, weak or any combination of the two, together.
Ask for what you need, but be open to the fact that your partner may not need what you do when and how you do.
2. Let Him Process in His Own Way
Your partner may need to process the ups and downs of the fertility journey in a way that is different from yours. Due to a combination of nature and nurture, men and women, generally, and you and your partner, specifically, may need different things throughout the fertility process. You may want to dive in head first and talk or cry though a challenging moment along the fertility process; your partner, on the other hand, may want to focus on something totally unrelated to it. If and when this happens, let your partner guide you around what they need.
Letting them process in their own way does not mean that you do not get to ask for what you need. Ask for what you need, but be open to the fact that your partner may not need what you do when and how you do. Take it a step further by asking them what they need, and then give them the space to work their process or join them, if it would be helpful to them. You won’t know if it is helpful unless you ask and really give them the space to say no, if the answer is, in fact, no.
3. Continue to Invest in Your Relationship
Trying to have a kid can be all-consuming. In fact, it may be so consuming that in trying to create life, a couple may be inadvertently sapping life out of their relationship. To be sure, many men can get just as involved and anxious about trying to have a kid as their wives can. So, this advice is as much for your partner as it is for you and is not intended to suggest that women are the only ones who can create tunnel vision around having a kid.
Even before you talk about the impact of infertility on a couple’s relationship, you may already find that the busyness of regular life – jobs, chores, events and obligations – can sap a little of the life out of your relationship. To combat this, being thoughtful about ways that you and your partner can fuel the fire in your relationship is already important – and becomes even more important as a couple walks through infertility. Here are two areas that worth particular focus:
Sex
I know, I know … talking about men and sex may seem stereotypical. I do not mean it to be, but, let’s be honest, the sexual relationship is often impacted during the fertility process. While trying to have a child may mean more sex, it also may introduce a level of stress into the sexual relationship that did not exist before.
Going through the fertility journey may mean having to time your sexual activity – but it does not have to mean that the only time that you enjoy one another sexually is during the ovulation window. And even when you are timing it, it does not mean that the fun or romance needs to be put away … in fact, you may need to turn it up.
Face Time/Fun Time
Infertility also has a sneaky way of taking up a great deal of a couple’s time: tracking ovulation, moving things around to make time for sex, tests and doctors appointments, and on and on. Sometimes the time to connect around the things that you both enjoy as a couple gets overshadowed by all of the other things that you need to do to have a kid.
You can combat this by committing to some fun face time regularly – a time where you are deliberate about focusing on each other and not the next step in your fertility journey. If those things were few and far between before your baby-making journey began, try a new hobby on for size – even if it is not a new hobby for your partner, but is new to you because you are joining them in it.
This list does not even crack the surface of the things that could be helpful to your partner as you walk through the fertility journey together, but, then again, I am not sure that any one list could. What each couple and every man will need is likely to be a little different. However, these three practices might represent a great starting place with your partner as you both figure out how best to support one another in a way that resonates with each other.
Listen, you do have what it takes to support your partner – and, as importantly, he needs you to, even if he does not know quite how to say it in a way you can hear it just yet.
Looking for Other Steps You Can Take?
Consider:
Sharing this article with your partner and getting his take on what resonates with him and how you might apply these steps in your relationship
Read other articles from us and share them with your partner and others that are walking through this journey with you
Give your partner a copy of Strong Prayers for a Hard Place: Prayers of Strength for Men Walking Through Infertility
Leopold A. Kimo Richardson is the founder of www.WinningMarriage.org, a relationship site for men, focused on helping them to win at marriage.