Honeymoon Stage?!? ... We Put In Work!
Some time ago, I went to grab a bite to eat with one of my boys and, in the process, ran into another good friend that I had not seen in a while.
We did not talk long ... I was on the way in, he was on the way out, but, while we did talk, we checked in about how things were going with our wives. When asked about my relationship with my wife, I said things were good - and they were. My friend remarked, "they should be ... you guys are still in the honeymoon stage." We dapped it up, he left and I went back to the table to pick up the conversation that I was having with my other friend.
A little later in the day, I started to think about what the friend that I ran into unexpectedly said to me, "you guys are still in the honeymoon stage." It honestly created two different reactions in me.
One one hand, the comment felt like a compliment. At that point, my wife and I had been together for a number of years (less than five, but more than one, by then). It felt good that the enjoyment of marriage was something that came across when I was discussing our relationship with someone else.
If I am clear about one thing, I am clear about this: there is not a one-size-fits-all experience for marriage. All honeymoon stages are not created equal, and couples can experience some real challenges when they first get together. So, I do not take that sense of enjoyment for granted.
In my view, it honestly makes the most sense that some of the greatest issues that will emerge in a relationship do so (in bigger or smaller ways) during the first few months and years. For some, the honeymoon stage becomes the honeymoon stage because they choose to give grace to things in the early days that they are unwilling to ignore in later days.
All that said, on the other hand, I felt a little cheated by my boy's comment. Here's why: by that point in our relationship, my wife and I had walked through major job changes, the deaths of members from both sides of our families, changes in how we divided up all of the to-dos that come with running a home (they warn you about infidelity, nobody warns you about all the clothes, lol), and we were well into dealing with the impact of infertility on our hopes of becoming parents. In two words: a lot.
Any sense of joy in our relationship came from some combination of the grace of God, the ability to laugh at and with one another, and the willingness to have hard conversations when they needed to be had. In other words, we put in some work, too.
"What one couple might experience in the first 10 years, another couple might experience in the first 10 months."
That sentiment leads me to this point: neither joy nor pain is a respecter of persons. In the things we do and in the things we choose not to do, we can invite either or both of them into our lives and relationships. Let's be clear, though ... life will throw opportunities for each of these experiences at both you and your relationship, and it does not care whether you are in the honeymoon stage or not. What one couple might experience in the first 10 years, another couple might experience in the first 10 months.
The honeymoon stage, like every other stage of marriage, is what you make of it. So, if you are feeling challenged during what should be your honeymoon stage, be encouraged, it is more normal than you think - and it does not have to mean that joy has left your relationship. Just like you can argue during a honeymoon trip and still be on a honeymoon together, so a serious challenge during the honeymoon stage does not have to mean that joy has left the building. On the other hand, if you are enjoying the beginning of your relationship, don't forget to take inventory of what you are doing that is helping to contribute to that. Yes, you may still be on a high because of the new car smell that your marriage has, but, remember, even new cars take skilled drivers to get from point a to point b safely. So, is the "newness" of your relationship with your spouse making you more willing to:
Forgive easily?
Make the other person a priority?
Demonstrate flexibility?
Something else?
When you are clear on the habits that are helping to sustain your honeymoon, you can be intentional about making them regular features of your relationship on the tougher days.
So, if somebody tells you that you are in the honeymoon stage, take the compliment, but make sure you know what is fueling it and work to build on those practices. If it feels like you are experiencing anything but a honeymoon, own that, too. Challenging experiences do not have to mark the end of your honeymoon stage, they might be just the opportunity you need to put your love for your partner to work and take your relationship to the next level.