4 Relationship Books for Guys Who Don't Like Relationship Books
Relationship books ... like music, like cars, like food, there are bad ones, ok ones, good ones, and great ones. I like books, so I slough my way through a tough read with sheer willpower sometimes (It's my superpower ... you don't judge me, I don't judge you). But, that said, there is nothing like a bad relationship book.
Whether it is bad advice, writing that is too flowery, or a book is just too long, I understand why some guys (and, probably, just as many women) want to avoid relationship books altogether.
While some books are really, really bad, if we're honest, we have to admit that being really, really bad is not the only (or even primary) reason that many of us don't invest in relationship books.
Here are a few reasons that are top of mind for me:
Relationship books are often not written from the male perspective.
In my very unscientific opinion, many relationship books are not written from or to the unique experiences that men have in relationships. Now, I do not mean to suggest that all men think or feel the same or that everything that men and women experience in a romantic relationship is so diametrically opposed to each other that men and women cannot learn from and with one another (I have been known to steal my wife's books ... if you don't tell her, neither will I). I do mean that through some combination of nature and nurture, men and women can have very different roles, joys, and sources of pressure in a marriage and the resources that are easiest to get ahold of seem to favor one experience of relationship over another.
Some relationship books are buzzkills.
Simply put, some books are not written with hope. Let me just clear one thing up before I say more: your relationship does not need to be on its last legs for you to need and appreciate hope. Hope is just like a vitamin: if you do not get enough of it over time, things will start to deteriorate and, potentially, become bigger issues.
All that said, I know that marriage can be tough, but, if I am taking the time to pick up a relationship book, I want it to start with the real deal of the marital relationship, then paint a picture of what we have to look forward to. A picture isn't enough, however. The book needs to be practical enough to help me (and my partner) take a step in right direction.
Many men put the work of learning in and about relationships on their partners.
Hear me out. In many (not all) relationships, it is the wife that is urging the husband to keep that date night, sign up for that marriage cruise, attend a relationship retreat, or is the one that shares a book that the couple can read through together. Even if this is not the reality in your relationship, our culture makes it seem as though it is (how often do you see men depicted as the ones doing these things on TV or in a movie?). For some reason, the responsibility for reflecting on and learning new practices that can be used in marriage becomes the de facto role of the wife, with one exception: sex. When we are talking about sex, then (and only then) is it permissible for men to play a leading role where learning (or demonstrating) is concerned.
The good news
Those reasons are a deadly combination for male learning in relationships. There is good news, though. There are great books out there that take the male perspective into consideration, provide a hopeful outlook, and have an action-orientation that can arm a man with a practical sense of things he and his partner can do to improve their relationship with one another.
If you are still reading at this point, I suspect that means that you want to know what some of those books are or that you just scrolled to the bottom of the page. However you got here, here you go:
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Honestly, to me, the Five Love Languages is like a cheat sheet. You know, the kind of cheat sheet that you may or may not have used in school when you just did not have enough time to study (I'm not judging you, but I'm judging you). Seriously though, the book provides a thoughtful description of how we tend to give and receive love in relationships. That itself is a newsflash: there are multiple ways to show love and we tend to give love how we like to receive it. When we know this, we can do better and find ways to show love that resonate with our partners. As importantly, we get develop a shared language with them that we can also use to communicate what we need. The book even has an assessment that you and your partner can take (if that ain't practical, I do not know what is).
Seven Keys to Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
This book has a lot of great points and rich material within it (a few of which I will highlight in upcoming posts). The thing I like about it most, however, is that it identifies several things that take the wind out of a marriage's sails. Listen, I like it when people make things simpler for me. Knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do. While every marriage is unique, learning some of the things that research and experience say you should avoid, seems like it makes a whole lot of sense to me. If other couples can learn to overcome those challenges, then, maybe, my partner and I (and your partner and you) can too.
The Cosmo Kama Sutra by the editors of Cosmo
Well, because inquiring minds want to know and married couples ought to know!
Sexual fulfillment is not just the result of a strong relational connection, it contributes to it. Real life continues after the wedding day and we can get into ruts with everything, including our sex lives. There is nothing wrong with options! The magic of this book is not just, or even primarily, in the options it shares, but, rather, in how you and your partner use it. The habit of talking to your partner about what is or is not working for each of you is incredibly important. Every time you and your partner consider a new way to express your intimacy with one another, it gives you another opportunity to get to more acquainted with what expressing your love to and for one another should be like at that point in your relationship.
In It to Win It: A Guy's Guide to the First Years of Marriage by, well, me
In It to Win It is short, action-oriented read that focuses on all the things that people should tell you about the first year(s) of marriage, but may forget to in all the busyness associated with getting married and returning to the routines of daily life. It goes beyond just pointing those topics out to providing you with practical questions to ask and steps that you and your partner can take to keep or relight the fire in your relationship. From the transitions (planned and unplanned) your relationship may face to the various seasons of sexual intimacy and learning a new rhythm with family, finances, and friends, In It to Win It begins where premarital counseling (and all that other unsolicited marriage advice) often ends.
If I have learned anything in the time that I have been married, it is that what one couple experiences in 10 years, another couple might experience in the first 10 months. So, wherever you find yourself on the marital spectrum, you are likely to find something useful for your relationship.
Check it out on Amazon.com by following this link.
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Leopold A. Kimo Richardson is the founder of www.WinningMarriage.org, a relationship site written from the male perspective, focused on helping men and their partners win at marriage.