How Infertility Impacts Married Men and What Other Men Can Do to Help (BroCode for Infert
Infertility ... this is a topic that more men than you might think face with their spouses. If this has not been an issue in your relationship, you might be tempted to close this article and get back to the regularly scheduled program, but, let me urge you not to.
Here's the thing: this may not be your story now, but, God forbid, it could be in the future. Even if this is never your story, you will probably know a man for whom this is an issue for him and his partner - you probably already do, even if you don't know it. And, whether you realize it or not, your support might help them walk through an experience that can take a real toll on their marriage.
Men Too
The impact that infertility has on men is sometimes a little hard for us to understand because, typically, when we think and talk about infertility, a woman's image pops into our heads. And rightly so … through some combination of nature and nurture, women have a unique experience where having kids is concerned. To put it plainly, men just don’t experience having kids or the lack of having kids in exactly the same way as a woman does (i.e. while I may want kids direly, I do not experience a menstrual cycle that reminds me of another attempt that did not seem to work like my wife does each month). That said, the differences in our roles should not be taken to mean that men do not have an experience, albeit a different one, or that difficulty with having a child is less impactful for a man than it is for a woman.
How Infertility Affects Men Let’s play this out for a bit … when a couple is having difficulty conceiving, a man might experience: • Disappointment – at the delay of his dream of being a father. • A Sense of Inadequacy – because he may feel like he is unable to help his partner achieve her dream of having a child. • Feeling Ashamed – especially if the “cause” of the couple’s infertility is a result of an impediment on his end (Note: there is not always a known cause for infertility attributable to either partner). • Feeling Isolated – because the circle of people that he feels like he can share this difficult situation with who can understand, empathize and successfully resist the urge to ask him if his soldiers march (or any variation of that question) is very, very small. • Feeling Pressured – by people he knows well and people he doesn’t, who, often from a well-meaning place, continue to ask him and his partner when they are going to have kids (not knowing that they might have just experienced a failed fertility treatment or miscarriage, again). • Being Jealous – at others who find it so easy to have kids, where him and his partner have found it so difficult. • Being Tired – because trying to have a kid when it is not happening right away can be time and energy consuming. • Feeling Weak – because working to be there physically and emotionally for his partner can be really difficult on an ongoing basis when he does not have an outlet for himself. • Feeling Angry – at himself, at the world, and/or at God, because having kids was never supposed to be this difficult.
This list could go on, but you get the point. Men can be and often are impacted by infertility. But even more importantly, there may be men in your circle who are walking through this with their partners right now – and you can do something to help them make it through. What might that be? I am glad that you asked, keep reading.
Talk about Health As men, we often spend time talking around health (our workout routines, maybe even a nutrition plan), but we rarely talk about our health (what is going on, on the inside) – especially when something is going wrong. Our avoidance is amplified even more when that health issue is related to something sexual. What is really interesting is that what is happening in the bedroom may not be significantly impacted at all. Even still, we often shy away from talking too deeply about anything that might suggest, even a little bit, that something is not right in the bedroom – even if it has absolutely nothing to do with sexual performance.
Listen … bro-code 101 for supporting those brothers in your circle that may be walking through infertility with their partners is creating the space for men in your circle to share about his and his partner’s journey through infertility by talking about health beyond what is happening in the gym. Now, you all do not need to be Dr. Oz, but ask yourself, “if something was not right physically, is there someone in my circle that I can share it with?” If no one readily comes to mind, get to talking, because you are probably not the only one that needs to.
Leave the Jokes and Unsolicited Advice at Home Everybody loves a good time, continue to have lots of them. But when you know that a friend is walking through infertility, leave the jokes about his soldiers marching (or any variation of that theme) at home. There are plenty of other things to crack a joke about.
Sometimes even unsolicited advice can be a bit too much. There can be so many to-dos along the fertility journey (tracking ovulation, timed sex during the ovulation window, doctor’s appointment, early morning or late night shots for his partner during IVF), it is rarely the case that your friend will need another thing to do. Now, if you’ve walked this journey, known someone who has or just come across some good information, use your judgment and share when you think your friend needs it.
You know your boy, so use what you know to build him up. Don’t use your words or your advice at his expense. What you say or what you make sure you don’t say might just be the thing that helps him to get through a difficult patch of his and his partner’s fertility journey.
Don't assume that if your friends is not bringing his and his partner's journey through infertility up that he does not want to.
Check on Your Bro If you have been fortunate enough to build the kind of relationship with a friend that he confides in you about his and his partner's difficulty in conceiving, that is big … you know it is big. Be sure to treat it like it is! I do not mean that you need to get super serious or start doing anything that is uncharacteristic of your relationship. But, I do mean that you should use that knowledge to check on your boy! Infertility is rarely a one and done. There are likely to be high points and low points. An encouraging word from a friends who knows every now and then is usually a good thing.
Checking on your bro might take several different forms. It could look like:
reaching out when you know that him and his partner are at an important milestone in the fertility process;
asking how he and she are doing and giving him the space to share or not share whatever he needs to; or
getting together and talking about/doing something completely unrelated to anything fertility related. Sometimes, focusing intently on something else rejuvenates your mind enough that you can better face it later on.
When in doubt, ask your friend and let him tell you want he needs. Don’t assume that if he is not bringing it up he does not want to.
BroCode was Made for Moments Like These
Whatever your bro relationships look like, bro-code could and should extend to the topic of infertility. If it is true that men and women through some combination of nature and nurture experience difficulty with having kids in various ways, then that might also suggest that there is a unique role that a man can play in supporting another man as he and his partner walk through infertility. If you ask me, bro-code does not get any finer than walking with another man through the highs and the lows of infertility. BroCode was made for moments like these.
Looking for Resource that Can Help You to Make BroCode for Infertility Even More Tangible?
Consider the book, Strong Prayers for a Hard Place: Prayers of Strength for Men Walking Through Infertility.
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[Author's Note: Infertility is difficult enough. No part of this article is intended to argue that men have it harder than women during infertility. By shining the light on the ways that men support other men, the hope is that couples on the whole would be strengthened.]
Wandering how else to help couples that is walking through infertility? Consider sharing this article to build a greater awareness of the impact that it can have and the kinds of support that other men can give.
Leopold A. Kimo Richardson is the founder of www.WinningMarriage.org, a relationship site for men, focused on helping them to win at marriage.